Goal setting? Nope. Intention setting!
Recovering perfectionists around the world of Substack. This is for you!
When I think about goals, my mind goes back to my old banking days. I see a rigid structure, set in stone, where anything short of achievement feels like failure. Everything felt high stakes, sort of a life-or-death kind of thing. SMART goals, KPIs, tight deadlines.
Sure, goals have their place; we need some way to measure progress. But back then, I tied my worth to success or, worse, lack of it if I didn’t hit those goals.
Oh, how wrong I was! Years later, through lots of unlearning and relearning, I’ve realised that it doesn’t have to be this way.
With February just around the corner (I know, already!), I want to offer a gentle reminder: we can do things differently. Why not embrace a kinder, more sustainable approach this year?
Perfectionism and compassion
I’ve been hard on myself for most of my life. My inner voice has often been harsh and somehow knows exactly where it hurts. I tend to feel like I’m striving to get somewhere but never arriving. Like many of you, I’m a recovering perfectionist.
When I first learnt about mindfulness, I discovered that my thoughts weren’t always true. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “What if I’m judged?” are not facts—they’re interpretations and stories coming from fear. And those fears then? They’re normal. Yes, normal.
This post is here to normalise those doubts and struggles. We’ve spent years surrounded by the so-called “perfection” of influencers who make habit-building look effortless. Meditate for an hour every day at 4 a.m.? Sorry, not me. I’m a full-time mum and part-time Master’s student, so I need all the sleep I can get.
The key to healing my perfectionism has been self-compassion, a concept that includes three essential elements:
Common humanity
We all experience failure, doubt, and struggle. It’s part of being human. You are not alone in this, and recognising that we’re all in this together is incredibly liberating, even soothing.
Kindness
Befriend yourself. Speak to yourself with the love and care you’d offer a close friend. Self-compassion isn’t indulgence. It’s the foundation of resilience.
Mindfulness
Be aware of your experience without judgement. Notice the harsh voice of perfectionism, but don’t let it define you. Instead, pause and choose to meet yourself with kindness.
How to align intentions with sustainable habits
When it comes to building habits, the first step is connecting with your intention: your why. This is where the Pebble Practice comes in.
It’s a simple yet profound mindfulness exercise that helps you reflect on what truly matters, creating a deeper emotional connection to your habits.
Are you ready?
🎧 Practice: Dropping the pebble
Listen to the guided audio here:
👉 The words below are just guidance. Please remember you’re always in choice.
Step 1: Settling into stillness
Sitting in a comfortable posture, with a tall straight back— upright yet relaxed.
Resting your hands gently on your lap, and feeling the sensations of your feet grounded on the floor.
You can have your eyes open or closed—whatever feels right for you.
Step 2: Dropping the question
Visualising you are holding a small pebble in your hand and you are going to “drop” the pebble into the still surface of a pond.
Asking yourself: “Why is this habit important to me?”, “What intention is behind this practice?”
Letting this question settle softly in your awareness, like the pebble slowly landing in water.
Step 3: Observing the ripples
Noticing what arises in your experience: What thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations arise?
Allowing yourself to observe these ripples without judgement or the need to “fix” anything.
Step 4: Dropping the question again
After a moment, dropping the question a second time: “Why is this habit important to me?”
Noticing if anything new arises. I encourage you to be patient and open to whatever comes up, even if it’s uncertainty.
Step 5: Pausing in silence
Sitting quietly, letting your awareness rest in stillness.
Considering whether you feel a sense of clarity or connection, or just grateful for taking this pause.
Step 6: Dropping the pebble one last time
Finally, asking yourself one more time: “Why is this habit important to me?”
Staying present with whatever arises: clarity, curiosity, or even resistance.
When you feel ready, gently wiggle your fingers and toes. And if you had your eyes closed, you can open them.
✍️ For your journal
After doing this practice, you can take a few moments to reflect. You might journal about your experience using the following prompts:
What did I notice in my body while reflecting on my intention?
Did any thoughts, emotions, or images surprise me?
What did I learn about my why for this habit or practice?
Taking thoughtful action
Once you’ve connected with your intention, the next step is to integrate it into your daily life. Thoughtful actions don’t need to be massive. They’re about showing up in small, intentional ways.
Here are some ideas:
Pair your habit with something you already do consistently (e.g., practising gratitude while brushing your teeth).
Start small: even a single mindful breath is an act of presence.
Be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned. If you miss a day, it’s okay. Self-compassion is key to sustainable change.
Join A Kindfulness Journey
If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to be part of our community.
A Kindfulness Journey is a space where we explore mindfulness, self-compassion, Radical forgiveness, and the art of living with intention. It’s a space for recovering perfectionists, mindful mums, and anyone looking to build a kinder relationship with themselves.
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Together, let’s nurture a life rooted in values, not just goals.
Thank you,
Pili